I have this overwhelming feeling of pointlessness. Like everything I do is just going to end up being countered in the end.

I have to be at work at 7 am...

Has anyone else on here seen "The Maxx"? I absolutely adore that movie. I feel a lot like Julie Winters sometimes. Sarah too... Even Glorie sometimes...but a lot of the time, I feel like the Maxx, too...it's strange. I don't pop in and out of alternate realities, it's just some things feel so unreal...Like I'm fighting to protect someone that doesn't want my protection (Maxx)...Like I'm still just an awkward teenager wading through her pain (Sarah)...Like I want to help everyone, because I care so deeply for other humans, and I also want to be the beauty that I'm not (Julie)...And sometimes I just feel existential (Glorie)...

But most often I feel like I'm just trying to help my friends and family, that I'm trying to make everything right and make everything make sense, and I'll I'm doing is getting shot down over and over again.

I'm trying to do what's best for my kids and myself, and I feel like I'm jsut effing up everyone's lives in the process.

I feel like I want to curl up in a ball, in a soft, dark place, where no one will ever bother me. Or maybe just drink until I can't stand up...Or maybe go get my tattoos finished and feel the pain to remind me I'm alive. Could anyone truly be this pathetic? Yeah, it's me.